Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work

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Reply to: anon-13611722@craigslist.org
Date: Tue Jul 15 20:39:18 2003

Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2003 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*quoted from here*

I have a major issue with the rules that women have in public restrooms, especially the rules involving taking a #2. For some reason there is this unspoken rule that women can not let other women hear them poop. I have only two choices when it comes to ‘letting it all out’:
A. Sit on the toilet and hold it in until all of the other occupants have left the restroom
Or
B. Strategically cough or flush just as the poo splashes into the water. (Considered more risky and more obvious)

The other day as I sat on the toilet, I cursed the blonde at the mirror reapplying her third coat of makeup. For 2 minutes I sat uncomfortably trying to hold in the four cups of cherries I had eaten the day before. Peeking through the gap in the door I saw the blonde finishing up with her hair flipping, just ready to exit. I figured that I was almost in the clear to let it fly, but as she exited another women entered. I silently cursed to heaven as this woman went to the stall next to me. I waited to hear the stream of pee….nothing sounded. After thirty seconds of nothing, I realized that I was in a poop-off, that we were both attempting option ‘A’ at the same time. This had never happened to me before and I was not sure what to do. I tried to make her aware that I had already claimed ‘A.’ I fumbled with the tp holder, scuffled my feet, coughed, etc; she stayed quiet, no noise, no pee, no toilet flush. I realized that I was going to have to think fast or she was going to hear me make my drop. I decided to switch out of mode ‘A’ and into ‘B.’ I flushed the toilet and tried to let it flow as fast as possible. When the sound of the flush stopped, I squeezed tight. I then coughed and flushed again, hoping that it would be the last time. I was able to get it all out, but just as the flushing stopped I accidentally let out a fart. I tried to cough it away, but it was too late she heard me. I wiped, flushed, zipped up, washed my hands, and tried to get out as fast as possible. I went to the elevator, pressed the button, and waited. As I stood there, another woman approached. She looked down at my shoes, then looked up at me and smiled. I looked down at her shoes and recognized them as the ones that were in the next stall over. I looked up at her laughing smile. I was now the farter.

From here on out I instate a new bathroom rule:

C. If someone is already in mode A., you are not allowed to use this option. You must use B.

I dont think I’ve ever been as tired as I am right now
After a FULL weekend of moving, my body feels like I went 12 rounds w/ Mike Tyson (minus the ear bites)
Yesterday I went out and picked up a 7′ pool table from one of my coworkers and brought it over to the house. We had to move it 3 times! Once from his house, once into my house, and once in the house, I moved it up like 15 stairs BY MYSELF! and I wonder why my back’s hurting this morning *ouch*
my hands are calloused from the bazillion things i had to screw in this weekend. installed said pool table, patio set, fans, u name it, i hit it w/a screwdriver! I’m a computer dork, my sissy little girly hands cant take this abuse. I’m like a doctor, my hands are my bread and butter LOL
If the calloused hands and sore back wasn’t bad enough, my eyelids feel like somebody’s pulling down on them. I nearly walked into the front door this morning when walking into work. I probably look like a little chinese guy the way my eyes are right now (then again, you dont see many 6’3″, 230# chinese guys i guess?)
i didnt even mess around this morning. I saw that little can of energy drink, and I just walked passed that and got the PINT of that stuff. I’m probably killing my liver, but if it helps me get some work done, i guess it’s done its job

on a good note, the switch that we made on our mail system this weekend cut down spam by like 75% *whee!*
i was amazed to only see like 25 emails in my inbox this morning, i nearly died! Thanks for that Tony.. u ROCK!

ok, so i’m on the train yesterday morning and my phone goes off. mail server’s down, big suprise right? when i say down though, thats an UNDERSTATEMENT. out of disk space, and the relay storing mail for it it fuxored up too. ouch. well, we finally got mail restored at like 2:00pm… 6 hrs later. dear lord that sucked ass and the fact that i was dead tired from working on the house w/ jen till about 11:00 every night this whole past week. we’re both exhausted, but i feel more sorry for her having to get up at 5:00 every morning *ouch* the fun’s just beginning though, as we’re starting to move in furniture today. one of the guys from work is leaving, but no partying for me. its movin’ day hopefully i’ll survive till monday… just to come back in to more shitty work

I am in SUCH a bad mood right now
Ok, so we’re supposed to be closing on a new house this Friday, everyone was notified of the date.
So I call the lawyer today to make sure everything is still going great, and *BAM* .. “we have you listed as closing the 21st…”
wtf just happened. have we not been telling these ppl for THREE FULL WEEKS that the close date was 7/11???
the seller was ok w/ it, the finance company, everyone, but for some reason, the lawyers dont know wtf is going on????

so if there’s anything that could have put me in a bad mood today, this just knocked ALL that shit off the list and skyrocketed to #1. i can guarantee that if i was in front of the lawyer right now, he would NOT like what i had to say.

i hope that they can straighten things out… or finance rate depends on it.

Enough of my ranting

harvick rules 81: hey hold on i have to take a mean dump..give me like 10 minutes

so being strapped for cash sux.
i cashed out my last account from prudential today… at a combined whopping loss of over $6k
stupid over-valued tech companies.

….off to go cry over spilt milk